


Wine-Soaked Confessions

by exklusiv



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 05:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2496722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exklusiv/pseuds/exklusiv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian, as a brother in the Chantry, is fully qualified to hear confessions. And he is definitely qualified to give advice to a very troubled, very drunk Tevinter elf.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wine-Soaked Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Considering there's heavy discussion involving Danarius, there's going to be mentions of noncon. Please be warned.

Most in the Chantry were the early-to-bed types. The sun dipped under the horizon and to bed they went, saying their prayers and leaving the main hall. Sebastian was more of a night owl himself, and liked when the Chantry was completely silent. He found it peaceful, and he found it delightful to not have his prayers interrupted by anything. So he was shocked when he heard the loud slam of someone breaking into the Chantry. Sebastian immediately reached for his bow and was distraught to remember he didn’t have it; it was already safely in his room for the evening.

“You!” a loud voice proclaimed, quiet footsteps approaching him. Sebastian looked over his shoulder, shocked by the sight.

“Fenris! What an unexpected surprise. What can I do for you?”

The elf, with a wine bottle in his hand, pointed at the archer. “Do you have a specific area for a confession or do I just stand on the railing and shout it at the ceiling?”

Sebastian cleared his throat. “Privacy is of the utmost importance. Confessions are between the confessor, the brother or sister, and the Maker. There are little rooms over there I can conduct them in.”

Fenris brought the wine bottle to his lips, drank deeply, then held the bottle upside down, watching as nothing came from it. After a moment, he tossed the bottle aside; it shattered on the polished stone floor as Fenris walked over to Sebastian, his steps sure but a little wobbly.

“Are they empty?”

“Yes, they should be. I think I’m one of the few still awake.”

Sebastian probably should have been more terrified of the fact that Fenris was advancing on him with a hand poised at his side. He’d seen Fenris approach men in the same manner before ripping their very insides out, but he only felt concern, and not fear. He was still taken aback, however, when Fenris grabbed his collar and began almost dragging him to one of the rooms, shocked by how rough and insistent Fenris was being.

With a short movement, Fenris pushed Sebastian into the room and slammed the door closed. Sebastian took a moment to hope the sound hadn’t woken anyone in the Chantry or disturbed their prayers, then composed himself and turned around to look at the elf. He was expecting to see Fenris glowering at him, swaying from side to side, staring him down with those piercing green eyes that held back little. What he was not expecting was to see Fenris still facing the door, his hands flat on the wood, his head hung down as if in shame.

“Is something bothering you, Fenris?” Sebastian ventured carefully, tilting his head.

“You once told me that you had the ability to hear a confession, that speaking about my past would help me,” Fenris said, nearly snarling. “You implied I could divulge everyone I’d ever killed under Danarius’ command to make myself feel better.”

“I did not offer my services as a brother in the Chantry simply so you could feel better. This is not just about emotions. I offered you the chance for confession because your soul is troubled, and you obviously still carry the weight of your past. This concern I have is for your well-being on the whole, not just if your past makes you sad sometimes. Fenris, was that a whole bottle of wine when you started drinking?”

“Your first mistake,” Fenris said quietly, hands forming fists on the door. The metal of his gauntlets scraped against the grain of the wood. “Was assuming all I had to tell you about were the times I killed people.”

Sebastian shrugged. “You said you were Danarius’ bodyguard. I assumed that killing people was something he had you do. It’s certainly what the markings in your skin are intended for.”

“Do you truly understand what it is to be a slave? To want to deny what you are being commanded to do with every fiber of your being, but simply obeying because you know no other way? You lived a life of luxury, lavish and grand and without a care, and then you submitted to a life of poverty and chastity. Perhaps the poverty is the only part you will understand.”

“I would never deign to be so self-important that I would think I know what it is to be a slave. I cannot imagine what that life is like, but I know that I would never will anybody into that. I can only glean what is told of me, and never question what I hear. Why, after all, should I ever doubt the things a former slave tells me? Surely I am in no position to tell them they’re lying.”

“We lie, alright,” Fenris said, finally straightening. He still wouldn’t face Sebastian. “But we lie to minimize, out of our own shame. At least… I do.”

Sebastian waited for Fenris to continue speaking, holding his hands behind his back and making no noise. Eventually, Fenris shook his head. “I can ignore it well enough. I’m not so broken as to think I cannot continue on with life because of my experiences. These things I carry are my own and I bear them. But… you were wrong.”

“I hear that quite a lot. Not often from you, though. What was I wrong about?”

Fenris was quiet again, then turned to finally face Sebastian. He stumbled and fell against the door; he rested his weight against it to steady himself and looked down at his feet. “My soul is not troubled by the murders I committed under the behest of Danarius. I accepted that that was beyond my control long ago. But other things… I cannot bear so well.”

“I’m not sure I follow you.”

Unexpectedly, Fenris slid down and sat on the ground, his skinny legs pulled up to his chest. Feeling awkward at how he loomed over the elf, Sebastian joined him on the floor, sitting cross-legged and listening patiently. After a long moment, Fenris spoke.

“The sins I confess to you are not my own. I would be daft to think these things are my blame. But I am buried beneath their crushing weight, and I… I can’t get past them.”

“You can tell me anything,” Sebastian reassured him. “I am here only to listen and offer guidance. Speak to me as if you are speaking directly to the Maker, if you want.”

“That is not wise for me to do.”

“How do you figure?”

“I don’t think swearing is looked upon with kindness in the Chantry, and cursing at the Maker is probably looked upon with even less favor.”

Sebastian leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. In the back of his head, he could hear his mother scolding him for his bad posture. “Perhaps if I knew what aggravated you so, I could help you better.”

“Aggravation is not the right word for it. I am tormented. It does not happen often, but recently, I… have found myself unable to sleep, plagued by vicious memories.”

“Perhaps it’s all the drink?”

Fenris glared at Sebastian, so he tried another option. “Or, well… You accompanied Hawke into the Fade not too many weeks ago. I was even told that a demon swayed you,” Sebastian said, hoping he was phrasing his words delicately. He was not trying to antagonize Fenris, after all, especially not when the wine was making him volatile. “Perhaps it was that encounter that is bringing these nightmares forward.”

“It… is a possibility. But I think… something else is helping to bring it forward.”

“You still have not said what it is.”

Fenris looked at his knees, refusing to meet Sebastian’s gaze. “Do you know what a magister can do with his slaves?”

“I’m told that they can do whatever they wish.”

“Without any fear of retaliation. A slave, after all, is obedient. But just because the body is obedient does not mean the mind is. The mind will fight and claw and demand satisfaction, but a slave’s body does not belong to him.”

“Are you having nightmares about the lyrium being put into your skin?” Sebastian guessed, unsure of what else Fenris could mean.

“No. That is not a nightmare. Or, it’s not anymore. To be a slave is to be an object, one that fills many roles. And… I filled many roles.”

“You said you were Danarius’ bodyguard.”

“On the outside, I was. But Danarius has no shame, and whatever catches his eye…” Sebastian could see the shudder that wracked Fenris’ body, so intense as it was. “It’s too much.”

There was a strange hitch in Fenris’ voice that Sebastian had never heard before. The elf was on the verge of tears, and that shocked the brother. “Fenris, what exactly did Danarius do to you?”

“The very violation of my soul, with my blessing, so powerless as I was to resist. Resisting meant punishment, and I was too weak to take the lashings over the… over what he wanted.”

Sebastian’s eyebrows knit together in concern. “Fenris, did this man… did he use you in an intimate sense?”

“Can such a thing be called intimate?” Fenris laughed, a dry, humorless noise that worried Sebastian. “Should I just come out and say it? Get it off my chest? Danarius had no problems ordering me stripped down and bent over for his pleasure. Dripped oil on me as Isabela so imagines, put his hands on me, used my body as a sexual outlet. Can that be classified as rape? Or is the rape of a slave something that cannot happen, since a slave cannot protest?”

“Oh, Maker,” Sebastian said, eyes going wide as the weight of Fenris’ words sunk in. “I cannot even begin to imagine the kind of horrors you experienced.”

Fenris looked fiercely at Sebastian. “Answer the question.”

“People with their mouths sewn shut can no more protest than a slave can,” Sebastian said, keeping cool under Fenris’ intense gaze. “Keeping quiet for fear of a painful punishment does not mean the act is desired. What was done to you is a grave sin, Fenris. Do not think you are to blame for any of it.”

“And I thought… I thought being with someone willingly, someone I deeply care for, would help rid me of the memories, and I would no longer feel his phantom touch, but I… what if it doesn’t? What if it makes it worse? What if I can then no longer look at that person?”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “Are you asking me if you think being with a lover is going to alleviate your memories?”

“I’m just thinking out loud at this point,” Fenris said, shrugging. “I have already burdened you enough with this, I shouldn’t add to it.”

“You really ought to stop thinking that way, Fenris. A burden shared is a burden halved, and it really would do you good to trust the people around you a little more. I have no problems sitting and listening to you speak for as long as you need to. I’ll sit here all night if you need me. I have an obligation to you as both a brother in the Chantry and as your friend to help you get past this.” Sebastian straightened his back. “Now, back to the original comment. Is this worry brought on even further because the person you are considering being with is Hawke?”

Fenris looked up, his eyes wide. “What? I never said anything about Hawke.”

“You didn’t have to,” Sebastian said, cheeky grin playing up his features. “I have eyes, Fenris, and I do know what it is to look upon someone with more than just friendly affection. You are enamored with her, at the least. And I’ve seen how she looks at you as well, my friend. How deep do these affections run?”

“I have no idea,” Fenris said truthfully, his words run together in a slur. “I don’t know what it is I feel. I’ve never felt anything like it before in my life. Or, if I have, it was lost like the rest of my memories. All the intimacy I know has been forced upon me by a disgusting magister who liked to enhance his own arousal by watching me suffer.”

“He liked to hurt you?”

Fenris’ mouth twisted into an ironic, bitter smile. “Would it offend you if I told you? Objects forced into me that had no business being used for penetration, needles threaded through my skin so I would bleed and ache, covered in burning wax. Strange, though, the magister never used anything like a whip or a riding crop on me, entirely not befitting a slave owner, but he was creative enough in his other methods. And I was always healed immediately after so no marks marred the precious lyrium in my skin, and I would be left with phantom scars, marks that did not exist but left their damage nonetheless.”

There was a moment of quiet, then Fenris rubbed his forehead. “I have wanted to be with Hawke almost since I met her.”

Sebastian sat up straight and gave Fenris a coy smile. “Have you now?”

“It’s ridiculous. She and I met in a similar fashion to you two meeting. I offered money to anyone who would help me get Danarius. When it was done and I had acquired the mansion, she called me handsome. It was this small bit of flirting, nothing to get excited over, but I just… couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’ve since learned that her giving out flirtatious compliments is just her way of breaking the ice, and I shouldn’t have felt so special. I’m even told she made you blush once.”

Sebastian snorted. “I was more surprised than anything.”

“But she… she kept flirting with me, when she didn’t with the others. And I could have probably been with Hawke a thousand times over in the time I’ve known her. She’s made it very clear she’s willing, after all. But I can’t… Fasta vass, I need more wine for this.”

“Let me see if I can put it into words for you,” Sebastian offered. Fenris waved a hand at him, so he leaned forward on his elbows again. “You care so deeply for Hawke that you are worried that joining her in bed would be tainted by the memories of how Danarius forced himself on you. It would then be that the connection between being with her and being with Danarius would be made and it would be painful to be with her after that.”

“You see my problem, then? I ache for her. Cannot think of anything but her. But… Danarius…”

Sebastian sighed and thought. “Would you like my opinion on this, not as a brother, but as someone who has a past in bedding women?”

“This ought to be good.”

“Desire can be curbed and controlled. But without any other outlet for it, it’s unhealthy. You need to get this out of your system, if for the sake of your health alone.”

“Did the chaste brother just tell me to bed Hawke because if I don’t, I’ll be ill? Is that not hypocritical?”

Sebastian chuckled. “I have a higher purpose now, beyond giving into carnal pleasures. I have a duty to the Maker and his bride Andraste to pledge myself to them and them only. That is my purpose to keep myself chaste. You have no such obligations, and no motivation to be chaste as I do. Therefore, you have nowhere to put it.”

“That’s a bit crass.”

“Oh, you know what I mean. And beyond not having anywhere for the energy to go, letting the what-ifs run your life is no way to live. The only way you’re going to ever know about Hawke is to just approach her with this. If she is as willing as we both think she is, then presenting the idea of bedding her is not going to be met with resistance, but rather with gusto. And why should you be worried?”

Fenris’ eyebrows furrowed. “Do you not have a basic understand of what fear is?”

“You carry these burdens because of trauma. Are you expecting making love to Hawke to be traumatic?”

“Not at all.”

“So why be worried?” Sebastian said, shrugging grandly. “You care for Hawke. She cares for you. If you go to her bed, you’ll be going there as a free man, under no one’s behest but your own. You will be in the embrace of someone you love and not forced under the wicked hand of a magister. I think it would be pleasurable over terrifying.”

Fenris still looked worried. After a moment, he shifted. “I just don’t want to fear Hawke the same way I fear Danarius.”

“You won’t, because Hawke means more to you than Danarius ever will. I have the feeling you’d rather fall on your sword than ever compare Hawke to Danarius. Even with the similarity of being mages, they share nothing.”

“I’m almost disgusted by your certainty,” Fenris said bitterly. “You speak as if you could not imagine any other outcome of this except for a happy one.”

“I’ve found that trying to be an optimist in the face of pessimism is a good test of resilience. It helps aid my willpower.”

Fenris was quiet for a moment, then he looked at Sebastian. “Has she returned from Sundermount?”

“I thought you went with them to Sundermount today,” Sebastian replied, confused.

“I… came back alone.”

“You left them alone?”

“It… is complicated. We were ambushed on the trail. Slavers come to take me back to Danarius. I found out that they had come under the command of Hadriana, a woman that made my life even more wretched under Danarius. She was a torment, took delight in torturing me, though not physically. And I… demanded we go after her.”

“Demanded?”

Fenris chuckled. “Perhaps that is too strong a word. Hawke ran even faster than I did to the old slaver holding caves where she was hiding. And when we were inside, we found one of Hadriana’s slaves, an elf, and Hawke gave her a job.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow at the sappy, distant look in Fenris’ eyes. “She did?”

“The girl had no other option in life. Hadriana had killed her father to fuel her blood magic and we were there to kill Hadriana. Hawke could have simply told her to run. But she told her to go to her estate, that she would pay her and keep her safe and cared for. The girl has probably never known such kindness in her life.”

“I am very proud to know someone so caring. But this does not explain why you left.”

“Hadriana… you know I remember nothing before I received my markings, yes?”

“I do know that.”

Fenris scratched his hair. “Hadriana told me that I had a sister, and asked for her life in exchange for information about her. I gave her my word, she told me my sister Varania lives in Qarinus as a servant, and then I crushed her heart.”

Sebastian hummed. “Your word was a lie, then?”

“You’ll find that when you hold the life of someone who was incessantly cruel to you, the promise of their life is of little meaning. But… the knowledge that I had a sister, that maybe Hadriana had lied, that memory of her cruelty, it overwhelmed me, and I ran from the caves. In fact… I must have paced outside the Chantry for a good hour before coming inside.”

“So it stands that Hawke has probably returned from whatever little quest she went on.” Sebastian’s eyebrows furrowed. “You’re not thinking… tonight, are you?”

“Honestly? No. I mean.” Fenris gestured a hand hopelessly. “If it happens. I’m not going to force myself on her. This is what this discussion is about, after all. No, I need to go apologize for leaving her alone.”

“Well, if you want to do that, I think it would be a good time to. Have you anything else you need to say?”

“No.” Fenris stood, extended his hand to the brother. “I thank you for taking the time to listen to me.”

“Should you really be going to Hawke in your state?”

“She’s seen me worse,” Fenris said simply. “And I think talking about all this has sobered me up a little. And who knows? Maybe I’ll get jumped on the way there. That ought to get my wits completely back to me.”

Sebastian took Fenris’ hand and let himself be hauled to his feet. “It was no trouble listening to you. If you need to talk about anything else, I am here. Just ask me, instead of dragging me in here next time.”

The corner of Fenris’ mouth quirked up, almost imperceptibly. “And miss the opportunity to test your dexterity?”

“Maker watch over you, Fenris.”

Another half-smile, just as small. “Why would he start now? Goodbye, Sebastian.”

The brother watched the elf walk out of the room and out of the Chantry, his gait still a little unsteady and his hands moving at his sides, nervously clenching and scratching as his skin. Sebastian hoped everything worked out for the best.

* * *

It was a few days before Sebastian noticed the length of red fabric wrapped around Fenris’ wrist, and the small crest on his hip that matched the ones outside Hawke’s door. He assumed that meant they had coupled, but the way Fenris kept his distance and Hawke kept looking at him sadly had him confused. And since he didn’t want to outright put himself in their business, he went to Varric instead.

With a warm greeting and a pint of wretched ale, Varric told him everything they weren’t supposed to know, that Hawke had bid Fenris to stay the night Fenris had gone to apologize for leaving, that they had shared her bed, and that Fenris had skipped out on her almost immediately. He had remembered, it seemed, everything before receiving his markings, if only for a moment, and that had terrified him.

“And,” Varric said, gesturing at Sebastian. “He did what he is best at. He ran. Leaving Hawke high and maybe not so dry.”

Sebastian had managed to not scold Varric for his lewd terminology. The next time Hawke asked him to accompany her on a mission, he had agreed, if only because he saw Fenris standing there behind her, looking troubled. Down into the Deep Roads they went, looking for misguided dwarves looking to mimic Hawke’s success. In camp one night, after Hawke looked like she was going to ask Fenris something and stopped herself, Sebastian went over to the elf, standing next to him on the edge of the camp.

“Anything you’d like to talk about?” he said simply, rocking in his heels.

“It wasn’t any of Varric’s business any more than it is yours,” Fenris said simply, not looking at the brother. “I know you know and I am telling you, leave it alone.”

“Alright. I’ll respect your wishes. But, before I go,” Sebastian said, crossing his arms. “Was there ever a moment where your thoughts turned to Danarius?”

Fenris hung his head. Sebastian’s stomach dropped, but Fenris took a deep breath and looked back out over the darkness of the Deep Roads, his expression soft.

“There was nothing but her. At no point did that filthy magister enter my mind.”

Sebastian smiled and placed a hand on Fenris’ shoulder. “I told you so.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Come get one of us to relieve you when your watch is done.”

Sebastian walked back to the fire and sat down next to Varric, who was tending to Bianca. Without taking his eyes from the crossbow, Varric spoke.

“You gonna tell me what that was about?”

“The great Varric Tethras doesn’t know something?” Sebastian teased, looking at the dwarf.

“I know, and it pains me greatly. You gonna tell me, or what?”

Sebastian looked over at Hawke, who was dozing against her pack with the book by Shartan, the book she had gifted Fenris and was using to teach him to read, in her hands. He smiled.

“They’ll figure it out, eventually. That’s all you get.”

“Choir Boy, that’s all I need.” Varric picked up an oiled cloth and began rubbing it into the wood of his crossbow. “And it’s all they need, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm late to the Dragon Age bandwagon. Or.... early to it, since DA:I is about to come out. Whatever. I love Fenris and Hawke.  
> Thank you for looking this over, Cassie, you're the best!


End file.
